Nowhere does conflict emerge more often, in our experience, than in trying to gain acceptance for new, innovative and creative ideas.  It's important to inject something new into a receptive field.  That's best done by establishing rapport with the intended audience.  So, there's a delicate dance between building rapport with what is, and proposing change to what might be.  Some people venerate one extreme or the other, when what gets the job done is a delicate dynamic balance of the two.

    Change is inevitable.  Resistance to change is also inevitable.  It's the ultimate acceptance of change that is in doubt.  Will the business accept the creative idea of a new market?  Will the team accept the creative approach of a new method?  Getting people to embrace change starts with showing that you accept them as they are, before you begin persuading them to change.

    Rapport is the connection and mutual under-standing we can achieve.  When it exists, people will even move in synchrony (ever watch two lovers in a restaurant, gazing into each others' eyes?).  When it doesn't exist, you can present the most profound observations...and be totally ignored.

    Rapport, in short, is about similarity.  It's about finding ways for us to observe reality together.

    You gain rapport by finding places to agree, for things that we hold in common, for beliefs that we all share.  There is always something we can agree on, even if it's the value of a loved one's life.

    Creativity is the act of generating something new:  An idea, a concept, a notion.  When it exists, people move forward, achieve more, and generally look back on the experience with pleasant memories.  When it doesn't exist, the entire experience can seem boring, stifling, routine.

    Creativity, in short, is about difference...maybe just the difference between how we do it now, and how we could be doing it.  It's about finding ways for us to do something new together.

    You create by exploring the different ways we each see the world, and finding ways to affect viewpoints.

    Creativity is often difficult to negotiate, because it may ask others to change the ways they think and behave.  The person with the idea has thought through the reasons to change and concluded its a sane thing to do; we have to then slo-o-ow down to help others make the same mental journey and arrive at the same (or an even better) conclusion.  The solution is to engage in what we call the "Delicate Dance" between the two extremes of rapport and creativity.  The trick is knowing when to focus on one or the other, when to shift, and how to encourage others to make the same shift with us.

    So, you've got this great new idea! It's a breakthrough, something that will remove all the roadblocks to progress you and your colleagues have been experiencing!

    Why not just burst in on the teleconference and interrupt their trivial discussion to share that brilliance and bask in their praise?  If you've ever tried to do that, you know the response:  You, your creativity and your breakthrough idea are met with awesome resistance, outright rejection, total denial.

    After you heal from that bruising experience, you'll have to work for a long, long time to be appreciated again.  What happened:  You failed to establish rapport with your audience.  You need to gain their permission to present a new idea, and the more radical the idea, the more rapport you have to work to establish.

    People generally don't like to have their most cherished knowledge and beliefs challenged.  Gee, they've spent years acquiring those, and you want them to discard it in a few minutes?  Unlikely (at best).

    You need to move your audience to want the information, ideas, or concepts you've created.  You need to build rapport, and then ease them into the new stuff you've got.

    That's the delicate dance:  Businesses and organizations thrive on creativity, but people need to be courted before they can accept it.

    Approach every new interaction with an attitude of questions and wonder (see "The Virtue of Ignorance," , Aug., 2002).  If you start a meeting by diving deep into your own agenda or ideas, you may look back to see nobody's following.  If you open a telephone conversation by "dumping" what you know on an unsuspecting listener, you may have set the stage for rejection.

    When I place a call to someone (except when its been scheduled), I always ask, "Is this a good time to talk?"  I don't know if they're busy, on another call, or just got word of a death in the family.  I give them the right to say, "Not now."  And people appreciate that, because it shows respect of their time and mindset.  It helps establish rapport.

    Give in to the impulse to "listen their arm off."  It's an opportunity to discover who knows what, how they express themselves, and the ways they relate to others.  In a teleconference, you can hear whether people are actively engaged, or only reluctant participants.  And, you get all that information without speaking a word!

    Make notes of the odd things you notice:  Mary likes to wait for an "opening" to speak up (so, make sure there're openings when you're on control of the conversation).  Sam likes to interrupt, so sure he knows all the answers (so, make sure you ask for his advice).

    A tremendous amount of our communication is beyond words.  It is in postures, gestures, facial expressions, tonalities, volume and rates of speech.  For example, just try saying the following sentences aloud, with strong emphasis on each of the indicated words in turn:

"What are  you  doing?"
"What  are  you  doing?"
"What  are  you  doing?"
"What  are  you   doing?"

    Can you notice how there are four completely different meanings, despite the fact that the words are exactly the same?  In the third example, we put emphasis on "you" as distinct from other people; it asks for your explanation.  In the fourth example, it puts the emphasis on "doing;" it asks you to explain what actions you're engaged in.  The tonality of emphasis is the signal that directs us to pay attention to different things, altering the meaning.

    You can watch people jittering in their seats when they want to talk, crossing their arms when they're resisting (or, perhaps, just chilly).  You can hear people shuffling papers in the background on a telephone call (are they really listening?), or taking a few seconds to respond when addressed (what were they doing while that phone was on mute?).

    You can pay attention to tonality and other knowledge to First) listen for those subtle characteristics in others' speech and eMail messages, then Second) apply those same patterns.  Since they obviously value those patterns, they'll appreciate others emulating them.  You don't have to agree with their ideas to build rapport.

    Good sales people already adapt to their prospects to subtly build rapport:  The Oxford English Dictionary may say "data" is pronounced like "day-tuh."  But, if your colleague always pronounces it "daa-tuh," then "daa-tuh" it is, if you want to establish rapport.  That's their way, so it temporarily becomes our way.  If you're speaking with someone who uses poor grammar, you can't gain rapport by correcting them on the spot.  Maybe, after you've established rapport (and trust), you can creatively offer them your observation that other people blanche when they use "irregardless" in a sentence...but not at first.

    If the person with whom you want to build rapport in a videoconference always leans forward in her chair when she is about to speak, lean forward, too, intently listening.  When she leans back, wait a few seconds, and do the same.  Then, when you want to speak, lean forward in the same way.  These are subtle cues that reach people in profound ways.  You'll probably begin to notice that the person you're emulating will be more responsible when you subtly reproduce their mannerisms...just don't be too obvious, and they'll never catch on.

    Words are important, too.  If they call it a "team," use team; if they call it a "workgroup," call it a "workgroup," if they call it an "organization," call it an "organization."  Watch for the words they use for concepts, and adopt them in communicating back.  It will help establish rapport by suggesting that you habitually use the same kinds of words.

    Another technique that establishes rapport in dialog is to avoid "either/or" and use "also/and" instead.  When they say, "We could write a paper on that" you could respond "Or, we could do it as a web page." But, notice how "And, we could do it as a web page" is so much more effective at building rapport.  The change in one word is so effective:  "Or" suggests their idea isn't good enough; "And" suggests their idea is good...good enough to build on.  It may sound odd at first, but it works!

    Finally, be generous with your compliments and praise.  Here's how to deflect an idea in a rapport-building way, and inject some creativity:  "That's a good idea! And, we could..." Said with enthusiasm, it builds rapport and opens the door wide for additional creativity.

    Rapport is just a first step toward establishing trust.  It's easier to build trust with someone with whom you've already achieved rapport.  But rapport is not trust; they're different.  You can be in rapport with someone you do not trust, and they with you.  (Think about how you might create rapport with someone robbing you at gunpoint; you have no trust, but rapport may be the key to your safe survival.) If you practice rapport enough, the two of you may come to the point where you have the first basic trust:  The trust that this person will try to maintain rapport with me.  (See "Promises:  Roots of Business," , The Insider, August, 2002.) It's only after that rapport is established that you can move on to proposing new (and potentially challenging) ideas.

    While you're establishing rapport, you can test how shallow or profound it has been developed.  It's only after you've tested it and you know you've got it that you can move on to accomplishing your real goals.

    No matter what mode you're in (listening and using their patterns of speech, observing their eMail practices and emulating them in return), vary what you're doing, and see if they follow.  It's called "pacing and leading:"  First, pace their way of doing things, and then see if you can lead them to do something (minor).  When in doubt, do more pacing.  You can lead too soon; you can never pace their methods too much.

    Testing has two benefits:  It lets you figure out how much rapport you have established, and it varies the patterns so you don't appear to be mimicking the other party.

    So, if you've been "pacing" somebody for a while in a meeting, shift in your seat, or change the position of your hands.  If they repeat your maneuver (in 10-15 seconds or so), you're in rapport.  Introduce a new word into the dialog; see if they pick up that word and use it in response.

    Okay, so you know you've established rapport with the group...it's time to inject something new that's important.  However, don't risk it all on this one moment.  Try a tentative bit of your idea, just to "test the waters."  Just ask, "Gee, what would happen if we changed that?"  Find out what resistance you're likely to face.  Broach the subject delicately, and immediately jump back to building rapport.  If they follow your "lead" into the new idea, they'll ask you for more:  "So, have you got any ideas?"

    In fact, people who are in profound rapport can disagree about things with virtual impunity.  They can disagree without being disagreeable.

    When you and I hold different opinions, and I explain mine to you, four things might happen:

1	You might turn and walk off, muttering "What a jerk!" under your breath (Failure to communicate),
2	You might listen to me (i.e., build rapport with me), and appreciate what I've said...you may have learned something (You learn),
3	You might listen to me, then explain your opinion (i.e., I'm building rapport with you), and you may help me learn something (I learn), or
4	You and I might listen to each other (i.e., mutual rapport), and each learns the other has only part of an answer, so we synthesize something entirely new that neither of us would have imagined alone (Magic happens).

    Clearly, if neither of us is interested in establishing or nurturing rapport, there is no basis for real exchange.  Think of a scruffy, filthy beggar; what motivation have you been provided for you to engage?  What effort has gone into building rapport with you?  You walk on by.  Now, if you're approached by a clean, well-dressed person who needs a dollar because he lost his wallet, are you more likely to respond?  He's built rapport with you in costume and manner.  (Of course, it might be a con...but con artists are always rapport artists.)

    If you listen carefully to me, you might learn something (if nothing more than what I consider a great new idea is something you already knew).  You're giving me the opportunity to feel good about having shared, and that builds rapport.

    If I listen carefully to you and notice your response, I may learn something from you...if nothing more than I should never approach you with a new idea under these kinds of circumstances.

    But, if we both nurture rapport, looking for ways to agree, then share differences, then agree again, then examine differences, we're engaged in that "delicate dance."  We might not always come away with a new idea we have jointly created (maybe the problem isn't that big), but we've created the opportunity for that to happen.  And, once in a while, if we're both invested in building rapport (seeking similarity) and sharing creative ideas (sharing differences), real magic may happen, and we'll both emerge knowing something we would have never known without that interaction.

    Always make sure you leave people with rapport intact.  Not matter how passionate the dialog, no matter how much you've disagreed on the issues, always take the last few minutes or seconds to reestablish rapport before you part.

    Even if you interaction ends with an interruption—say, a phone call while you're in a face-to-face meeting.  Stay around for a few seconds, then use hand gestures (e.g., point to your watch) to signal you're breaking off the interaction.  Then you've established the conditions for renewed rapport the next time you interact.